I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize