i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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