I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
