I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
