sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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