phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
