piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
