You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
