if you like me you must not know who I am
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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