you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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