hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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