Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
