Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize