Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
