i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
