My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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