As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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