just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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