I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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