Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
