Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
