Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
