THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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