peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
