I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
