end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
