I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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