Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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