Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
