I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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