im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
