I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
