youre lurking in front of me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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