and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
