I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
