Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
