you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
