i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
