He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The uberlube is also flammable
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
