Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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