Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
