I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
