i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
