Im at strip club and am horny
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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