I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I touched a dick in church today
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Drunk is a universal language darling
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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