I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
