Its about making memories worth repressing
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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