Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
