Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
