You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
