paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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