And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
well you can't waste a boner
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
