the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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