is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
