are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
