I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
