I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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